Dateline: Wednesday, September 21, 2005. Associnated Press. CLUB GITMO, Cuba -- Two illegal combatants today broke their vows of hunger, stupidity, and sanity today and granted exclusive interviews with the Associnated Press. The detainees said over mouthfuls of gruel that their hunger strike would continue until they were allowed to watch the NFL New Orleans Saints and Major League Baseball's World Series on television.

The two "men" were hard to understand, as the entire time they were granting the interview, they were shoveling gruel in their mouths as fast as they could, while watching over their shoulders to ensure they were not being observed by their fellow hunger strikers.

The men, Muhammad Akbar and Muhammad Mumu, said that they would not give in in their hunger strike until their demands were met. Muhammad said that they were being treated well, except for the time Muhammad was disciplined for dropping his own copy of the Queeran on the ground. His punishment was no dessert for a week and he was very depressed during that week. The Navy provided grief counsellers, and Muhammad eventually got over the incident.

Muhammad said that the hunger strike would not end until they were provided live television feeds of the New Orleans Saints -- because only the professional football team members could possibly understand and emphasize with the detainees as true victims. They also wanted to watch the World Series because, "I've got 50 dinars riding on the team from Boise."

When asked about the chance of the detainees getting their demands met, the Marine on guard replied, "They already have Sirius Radio and DirectTV with Sunday Ticket and the MLB Complete Package. They just can't find the right stations with 999 channels."

(A precision guided humor assignment from The Alliance).

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