I watched some of the Republican Debate last night. Some of it was interesting, most was not. I know a lot of people didn't watch it, so I'll be glad to help you out with an almost word-for-word transcript. Well, I shortened it a little to give you all the main points:

Moderator/Talking Head #1: Hello and welcome. We're glad you could all come to New Hampshire (off mike: New Hampshire? Make sure my plane is ready so I can get out of this hick town as soon as we're done). First, Mr Mayor, Mr Wonderful, Mr Giuliani, you're great. I like you. You're a Republican, but you're liberal enough for me. What do you say to that?

Giuliani: I agree, I am wonderful. And I want to be president. Then we can all be wonderful. And I fixed New York, so I'm really wonderful.

Moderator/Talking Head #1: Excellent. That's great. Mr Romney, what you think about Mr. Giuliani being wonderful?

Romney: Well I think he's wonderful, too, but I think I'm more wonderful. Really, don't you agree I'm wonderful? I fixed Massachusetts, which is bigger than New York, so I really think I'm more wonderful.

Moderator/Talking Head #1: I agree. Next question is for Mr. McCain. Senator McCain, I think you're pretty great, too. Do you agree or disagree?

McCain: I was in a war, you know, so I'm pretty wonderful, also.

Moderator/Talking Head #2: I think that's great. But over here, we've got Mr. Paul. Mr. Paul, you're a wacko. I don't like you. In fact, I don't want to talk to you. So instead, I'm going to just call you a wacko. Don't you agree?

Ron Paul: Why don't you ask the right questions? I think we should follow the Constitution! Why don't we follow that? I want to be a leader that follows the Constitution.

Moderator/Talking Head #2: See? You're a loony. No one follows that silly old document any more. Forget you, we're going back to Giuliani. Mr Mayor Giuliani, tell us more about how you fixed New York.

Giuliani: Well I banned guns, which made it safer. You see, guns are bad and guns cause crime. You can tell they do because when I banned them, crime decreased. So I'm tough on crime. And I support the second amendment. I just don't support it when I'm in charge.

Moderator/Talking Head #2: Oh, that's just great. Mr. Romney, you disagree?

Romney: Well, I don't know about that. I stand firm on my position. I think my position is clear and I absolutely stand by that position. In Massachusetts, I had to work with Democrats, where I made my position clear. Is that clear?

Moderator/Talking Head #2: Oh, very clear. Senator McCain, do you want to talk about this issue?

McCain: Oh yes. You see, I know war. I was in a war. I've been to Iraq, and I've seen war, so I know about guns.

Moderator/Talking Head #7: Great. Let's go back to Giuliani. Mayor of New York Giuliani, you didn't sign this pledge to raise taxes. Do you like taxes?

Giuliani: I think taxes are something that need to be considered. I don't need to sign any pledge because I know how to raise taxes. Taxes are the engine that drives government, but since I'm running for the Republican nomination, I support lower taxes today.

Moderator/Talking Head #7: How about you, Front-Runner Romney? You claim that you're not going to raise taxes, but you didn't sign this pledge to not raise them. Why is that?

Romney: Well I think my record stands for itself. I know what I did then and I know what I stand for now. So that's clear enough that I don't need to sign any pledge because I did what was then now before I came up here today to New Hampshire.

Moderator/Talking Head #7: What's that? There's someone else on the stage that wants to say something? You there, with the tie, yes?

Senator Brownback: Yes, I'd like to comment on...

Moderator/Talking Head #7: Oh, I'm sorry, it's not your turn yet. We're talking to the front runners, who are much more important than you. I'll ask you a question when I want some answers to make fun of later on. Let's move to immigration. Senator McCain, you supported amnesty in the Senate, and I liked that. Could you comment on that?

McCain: Oh sure, I'd be glad to. We've got some wonderful people that have come to this country to help us work. And I think they should be allowed to help us work. I didn't support amnesty, instead I supported letting them stay here and work without punishment. That's not amnesty, that's just me trying to get them to vote for me. And I like people voting for me, even if they don't know I was in a war.

Moderator/Talking Head #4: Mr Romney, you've been accused of being for illegals, and even had some mowing your lawn. What do you think?

Romney: Look, just because they were mowing my lawn doesn't mean I don't like them or that I'm racist. I didn't hire them, it wasn't my fault. Instead, I'd like to do something about them. I don't really know what, but I'll go with my record on that one.

Moderator/Talking Head #4: Mayor Giuliani?

Giuliani: Well I sure had a lot of illegals in New York -- and I supported them. I protected them from one another because they're too stupid (like most of the rest of you) to protect themselves. After all, once I took away everyone's guns, they had to rely on me to protect them anyway, so I thought I'd welcome the illegals and protect them, too, because we need workers.

Moderator/Talking Head #9: Let's go over here to the lunatic fringe and talk to that guy. What's your name? Oh, who cares, you're not going to win and everyone knows it, but you can talk some now if you like.

Tancredo: We need borders. Why can't we have borders? All these guys up here now are claiming they want to secure the borders -- but before they were running for president, none of the bums would do a damn thing for the borders. How come they're only claiming they want a border now? Do you actually believe they're going to do something about the borders? I don't think they will, and I WILL. I will enforce the law, as I'm supposed to, unlike these jokers.

Moderator/Talking Head #2: Are you done yet? Geez. Hey, let's go to some guy in a restaurant or some other place in this hick town.

Remote: Hey, I've found a bunch of socialists here in New Hampshire that don't really know they're socialists. They are government employees, so they'll be as leftist as we can find here. You there, drooling woman, do you think gays should be able to marry?

Random Government Bureaucrat Woman: I think "Live Free or Die" means that government rules! Go Government! Oh, and yes, I think queers should be able to have complete and total approval from all people and anyone who opposes them should be locked away.

Moderator/Talking Head #0: Oh goody. Hey tie-boy over on the left side. Yes, you. You're a far-right wacko, what do you think about men putting their things in other men's things in public?

Senator Brownback: That's just wrong. Every single country that's approved of gay marriage has had a massive increase in out of wedlock births. In every one of those places, there are thousands and thousands of more children that are being raised with one parent. And the results of that are catastrophic. Every single place that's been tried has been an absolute disaster. It's just wrong.

Moderator/Talking Head #0: Weirdo. Let's go back to the front-runners who we in the media want to win. Mayor Giuliani, you're wonderful. We all know that. But what about those pesky personal issues you have like divorce?

Giuliani: That doesn't really matter, does it? Didn't Clinton teach us that personal lives have absolutely nothing to do with the presidency? Just because women don't trust me and I've proven over and over again that I can't keep my word, that doesn't mean I won't do a good job. Just because I claimed to honor my wife "till death do us part," and didn't, doesn't mean I can't be president.

Moderator/Talking Head #0: True, true. So do any of you front-runners have an opinion regarding Senator Craig's resignation? No? You don't know him? Fine, let's let one of the other people who aren't going to win answer it.

Senator Brownback: He said he was going to resign, and I think he should stick by his word.

Congressman Hunger: I agree.

Moderator/Talking Head #0: You people are living in a fantasy land, aren't you? Let's talk to the wacko again. Mr Paul, you love terrorists, is that right?

Ron Paul: Why don't you people listen? The Constitution is the law of the land.

Moderator/Talking Head #0: Yeah, whatever. Hey you, guy with the black shoes, your comment?

Governor Huckabee: Look, we screwed up Iraq, so we're going to fix it.

Ron Paul: No! When you mess something up, you don't keep messing it up more! You STOP messing it up!

Governor Huckabee: No, once you mess it up, you have to send government in to fix it because only government can fix anything.

Ron Paul: Government cannot fix ANYTHING!

Some moderator: Mr. Paul, aren't you the nut job that wants to get rid of the FBI and CIA or something? If we get rid of the FBI, how will you have intelligence?

Ron Paul: Well let's see, how did the billions of dollars worth of intelligence help us on 9/11? We spend how many billions and it did us no good. So explain to me how spending billions MORE will help more.

Moderator: You're just nuts, and I hope no one votes for you because you just scare me with your talk of freedom. Let's get back to the people I want to win this election. Mr Giuliani, do you love Iran more than me?

Giuliani: I think so. I mean, I don't want them to drop any nukes on my house or anything, but I think our position should be clear: they're sponsors of terrorism and we should talk mean to them. I mean, not mean enough to make them mad, but you know, sternly. They'll listen to that.

Moderator: Mr Romney, how about you? Love Iran?

Romney: Once again, I fall back on my record. My record is clear on this issue and I want everyone to know that it's clear. Is that clear?

Moderator: Yes. War hero McCain, your position?

McCain: I've been to war. I've seen Iran on a map. And I think, as Mr Romney does, that our position should be clear. Iran should not have nuclear weapons. And if they do, we should sanction them. And if they use the nuclear weapon, we should severely sanction them. And we might even re-start that League of Nations thing to keep them in line since the UN is doing such a good job of it.

Moderator: Well, I need to get the heck out of this backwards state and back to socialists who love and worship me. Thank you, especially the media-proclaimed front-runners, for being so liberal, but having the courage to run on the Republican ticket. It warms my heart to know that when we have two choices next November, it's highly likely there will be two liberals to choose from. Our next so-called debate will be in a nicer place, so join us then.

Posted by: Ogre at 03:09 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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