So earlier tonight I tried to get on the internet. I turned on my computer and tried to connect. My web browser, instead of being my normal home page (this blog), was a large black space with a green flashing line in the upper left corner. I wondered what in the world it could be. Then there was a clicking noise and I saw the following appear on the screen:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME?

I typed the only logical answer, "YES." The screen then typed out:

HOW ABOUT GLOBALTHERMONUCLEAR WAR?

I thought about it moment and then typed, "NO, THANK YOU."

The computer responded:

HOW ABOUT A NICE GAME OF CHECKERS?

Since the computer seemed to be responding to me, I tried something a little more advanced and typed:

NO. TAKE ME TO HTTP://WWW.OGRESVIEW.MU.NU

It was then I noticed all the keys appeared in capital letters. I checked the caps lock and noticed it was NOT on. The computer continued:

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT COMMAND. PLEASE ENTER A VALID INSTRUCTION.

The flashing green cursor flashed at me. I tried again:

OPEN A WEB BROWSER
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT COMMAND. PLEASE ENTER A VALID INSTRUCTION.
IEXPLORE.EXE
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THAT COMMAND. PLEASE ENTER A VALID INSTRUCTION.

I was starting to get annoyed. I went another route:

HELP.

WHAT DO YOU WANT HELP WITH?
THE INTERNET.

PLEASE TYPE YOUR COUNTRY NAME.
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

I'M SORRY, THE COUNTRY YOU ENTERED, UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, IS NOT RECOGNIZED. PLEASE TRY AGAIN.
AMERICA.

SORRY, CURRENTLY AMERICA DOES NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THE INTERNET TO MAKE UP FOR THEIR WARMONGERING AND WHILE THEY ARE PENALIZED FOR USING THE INTERNET TOO MUCH. INSTEAD, KENYA HAS BEEN GIVEN 1 CREDIT FOR YOUR ATTEMPT TO USE THE INTERNET. ONLY AFTER KENYA HAS RECEIVED 1,000,000,000 CREDITS WILL SERVICE BE RESTORED TO AMERICA.

LOGOFF.

Naturally, I did what any internet user would do -- I called my ISP. The phone call went something like this:

ISP: Hello, Stupid Phone Services, How are you being doing today? How may I be directing your call?
ME: I'm having some trouble connecting to the internet...
ISP: (interrupting) You mean the unternet?
ME: No, the internet.
ISP: I'm sorry, we are no longer permitted to allow connections to the internet, via governmental order. All our internet requests are now directed to the UNternet.
ME: Unternet? What's that?
ISP: Well, it's sort of like the internet...except they don't allow Americans to be using it.
ME: What?!?
ISP: I am being saying, it is being the internet, but no Americans are allowed.
ME: So where's the internet?
ISP: I do not know, I am in India.
ME: -----
ISP: Is there anything else that I can be doing for you today?
ME: How do I get access to the Unternet, then?
ISP: You must move from America.
ME: Thank you, come again.

* click *

Then I simply started up my OWN damn Linux machine and connected to the shadow internet that's in place for just such emergencies. So, how was your day?

(This has been an Alliance Precision Guided Humor Assignment.)

Posted by: Ogre at 09:06 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 527 words, total size 3 kb.

1 Connecting to the UNternets these days can be a real pain in the butt. Especially if you are on wireless in a hotel, on the road, and your tech support's first language is "terrorist". They can be OH, so "uncooperative" to say the least ;-)

Posted by: Gun-Toting Liberal at August 03, 2005 09:59 PM (Er9BL)

2 I bet the UNternet really would be like that, except more expensive, especially to Americans.

Posted by: Fitch at August 03, 2005 10:04 PM (Hn838)

3 I've heard terrorists get a discount when using the unternet...

Posted by: Ogre at August 04, 2005 05:15 AM (L0IGK)

4 Greatings Professor Ogre. How about a nice game of Chess? I love War Games.

Posted by: Contagion at August 04, 2005 08:49 AM (Q5WxB)

5 Contagion, I think your age is showing (since you actually recognized that archaic reference).

Posted by: Ogre at August 04, 2005 08:59 AM (/k+l4)

6 IEXPLORE.EXE? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Echo Zoe at August 04, 2005 09:53 AM (K+h36)

7 Ah, another good catch!

Posted by: Ogre at August 04, 2005 09:56 AM (/k+l4)

8 I don't think War Games is that old a reference, right? I just know about it cause I used to think Matthew Broderick was cute. (Save Ferris!)

Posted by: Jody at August 04, 2005 01:52 PM (IEpte)

9 I'm pretty sure that's from the 80s...but that's not old now, is it?

Posted by: Ogre at August 04, 2005 02:44 PM (/k+l4)

10 Kenya!?!? What, both of their computers can connect now? Go figure. I know, I know. Kenya is a highly developed, technologically capable....blah...blah...blah. It was funny.

Posted by: maybeso at August 04, 2005 06:09 PM (f088i)

11 And, yes, I loved the War games reference. So I am an old fart who can remember way back to the Eighties.

Posted by: maybeso at August 04, 2005 06:10 PM (f088i)

12 But it's all relative right? 80's isn't old...plus I was really really young in the 80's... Sooo I guess it depends, if you remember watching the movie as an adult, you might be a bit on the higher side of old...but if you're like me and watched it while a toddler (or something like that), you're not old at all

Posted by: jody at August 04, 2005 11:21 PM (OSJdh)

13 Kenya? Hey, it's not Norway! Right, Jody, 80's not old...SURE it's not. You just keep repeating that...

Posted by: Ogre at August 05, 2005 06:59 AM (/k+l4)

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